That anxious feeling I wrote about a little while ago still hasn't retreated.
The rational part of my brain knows why it's happening. It just hasn't managed to work out how to switch it off!
It all seems to have begun somewhere around Australia Day this time. I made it through Christmas and New Year without any problems, but then everyone around me started talking about going back to work and sending the kids going back to school, and it just managed to re-inforce to me that I don't really have any direction or any plan for the year.
I know that lots of people don't like their jobs, but I've always loved working. I really liked my career and the people that I worked with. I was in tears when I had to hand in my resignation. I really just wish I could get up and go to work every day like I used to.
I had an appointment scheduled at the Transplant Clinic today so I booked an appointment with the Social Worker beforehand. It's really helpful to just be able to have a chat with her, and talk about how I'm feeling.
Apparently it's quite normal to have a heightened level of anxiety while on the list, especially when you're a person who is used to being 100% in control of everything that happens in life (just like me). It only takes a tiny ripple, a little comment, a thought, a passing remark, to tip that anxiety over the edge.
I've been avoiding the online world of twitter and facebook for that same reason, and I unsubscribed from all of the news feeds. Even just reading about all the bad news in the world was making me feel worse.
I know that I've been holding back on what I want to do creative business wise, as I know that once the call comes I'll have to close everything down for a certain amount of time. I'd also decided not to book into training courses for the same reason.... and that this is just making my anxiety worse.
Holding back isn't working so the plan now is to just try to keep living life and keep working on my creative goals. If I get the call when I'm in the middle of a project or a training course, then so be it. I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it.