Thursday, February 9, 2012

That anxious feeling

That anxious feeling I wrote about a little while ago still hasn't retreated.

The rational part of my brain knows why it's happening. It just hasn't managed to work out how to switch it off!

It all seems to have begun somewhere around Australia Day this time. I made it through Christmas and New Year without any problems, but then everyone around me started talking about going back to work and sending the kids going back to school, and it just managed to re-inforce to me that I don't really have any direction or any plan for the year.

I know that lots of people don't like their jobs, but I've always loved working. I really liked my career and the people that I worked with. I was in tears when I had to hand in my resignation. I really just wish I could get up and go to work every day like I used to.

I had an appointment scheduled at the Transplant Clinic today so I booked an appointment with the Social Worker beforehand. It's really helpful to just be able to have a chat with her, and talk about how I'm feeling.

Apparently it's quite normal to have a heightened level of anxiety while on the list, especially when you're a person who is used to being 100% in control of everything that happens in life (just like me). It only takes a tiny ripple, a little comment, a thought, a passing remark, to tip that anxiety over the edge.

I've been avoiding the online world of twitter and facebook for that same reason, and I unsubscribed from all of the news feeds. Even just reading about all the bad news in the world was making me feel worse. 

I know that I've been holding back on what I want to do creative business wise, as I know that once the call comes I'll have to close everything down for a certain amount of time. I'd also decided not to book into training courses for the same reason.... and that this is just making my anxiety worse.

Holding back isn't working so the plan now is to just try to keep living life and keep working on my creative goals. If I get the call when I'm in the middle of a project or a training course, then so be it. I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it.


Fiona said...

I often think of you and wonder how you're going Cam - I can't imagine what it has been like for you - but know that it will happen and soon - Then look out world !!

Hugs - Fee XXX

Megan said...

Good decision. You can't put your life on hold indefinitely while waiting for something with no scheduled date. I'm sure everyone would understand and try to accomodate you if you did get that phone call in the middle of something. I totally understand that feeling of no direction. I had it at the same time, school starting back around Australia Day and here I am sitting on the couch. Thankfully recovering, but a bit nervous about going back to work in (hopefully) term 2 because of the suppressed immune system and snotty germy little 3/4yr olds. Hoping I can still do it but it will be a wait and see!

Michelle said...

Now Cam, I don't mean to quote Waifs lyrics all on you, but ...

Take it in, take it all in
Now is the time that will not come again
Take it in take it all in
This is the day and it's here for the living

Love ya heaps! M xx

jennie said...

I think you've explained it really well. I hope you feel that you can get on with things soon. The not knowing must be so hard. Big hugs to you.XX

Sally said...

Yep. Surrender control and just go with it.

So easy to write... Not so easy to do.

Fiona said...

Well, it's good to know your anxiety is normal for those in your position. I don't think you can put your life on hold indefinitely ... that's just not healthy.

Anonymous said...

I know that anxious feeling, though not for such a big event. My career started breaking down 2 years ago, and then I got sick, and like you, I find it really difficult not having plans, feeling aimless and bored and anxious. Now that I'm returning to uni, I feel like I have direction again, but it is so difficult to picture being at uni, doing placements in hospitals, eventually working as a nurse. And I don't know yet if I will cope physically with this intense course.
I'm glad you have decided to keep going regardless. Hopefully it will keep your mind off waiting for "the call". And yes, cross the bridge when you get there. If you are mid-project, it will probably be waiting for you when you are recovering and stronger.

Leonie said...

Putting life off is not living it. Living life is living it. I think you have made a good choice. Good Luck :-)

willywagtail said...

I used to wait and wait for my ex to come home for dinner. It was a normal occurence to never know when he was coming and I like to wait for him so we could eat as a family. Sometimes I would get impatient and put his peas on (he loved tin peas like nothing else). They only take a minute or two to heat but guess what? It was as if he could smell them cooking. He was home so often while I cooked that peas. You might need to put the peas on in your life too so that it seems like everything speeds up. All the best. It must be really hard . I hate anxiety too. Cherrie

Car said...

Oh Cam, I was wondering how you were going :( although different circumstances I have at times lived my life delaying plans because of the what if factor and it is like living half a life, I can see now that I did waste a lot of years that I cant get back. Take it slow and gradually build up to a fuller life (it will help with that anxiety) and just a thought, is it possible to have a back up sew'er that could finish any unfinished jobs you have if you do get the call? Though Im sure people will understnd and wait for their product.
Thinking of you xxx

Carly Findlay said...

You've never struck me as having little direction. I'm in awe of how much you get done - so much crafting, socialising and watching trash tv ;)
I can't imagine the anxiety you must be feeling, but I see that you do so well to live in the moment.